Demon Cat

For the past four nights, my sleep has been disrupted by the sounds of monumental cat fights.  The first night it happened, I sat up in bed at 3 AM, wide awake, goosebumps on my arms and legs.  The cries I heard were unlike any cat sounds I’ve heard in this house before.  I was so unnerved, that even after I heard the sounds again moments later, I curled up in bed, head under my covers and pretended nothing happened.  Still, I wasn’t able to fall back asleep for at least an hour.

I told Karl about the sounds the next day and asked if he heard anything.  Of course, he hadn’t, and I told him how spooked I was even though I know it was just our stupid cats getting into it.  He said he had noticed our big goofball, Fat Kobi, getting more aggressive lately — maybe he was the crying culprit.

The next night the cat fight sounds woke me up again and this time, instead of being frightened, I was thoroughly pissed off.  I leaped out of bed, flipped on the hall light and yelled something like, “Knock it OFF, you cats!”  I probably waved a fist in the air too.  Tufts of fur on the floor were all that remained as three sheepish-looking cats disbanded to dark corners of the living room.

On the third night, again at 3AM, I awoke to the same ruckus and a subsequent rumbling, as if a herd of elephants barreled up the stairs.  Nonplussed, I rolled over and went back to sleep.

Last night I crawled into bed at 1 AM, completely exhausted after having spent an entire day either in a car or on my feet for roller derby.  Even though I didn’t even skate in the bout, this pregnant lady was beat and needed her rest.  I woke up around 3 again, this time with a need to go to the bathroom.  This pregnant lady takes frequent trips to the toilet.  But since it felt like I just went to bed, I waited for a bit, as if my need to go would somehow vanish.

And then I witnessed the caterwaul at 3:3o AM.  This time, since I was already awake, I heard the whole cat battle from the beginning.  It sounded as if my cats had multiplied in number; two cat armies waged war in my living room.  I heard that same eerie cat cry and decided, once and for all, to put an end to this nonsense.  I jumped out of bed, flipped on the hall light, and stomped into the room.

I saw:


What the @#$%?!?!?  Am I dreaming?!  How in the hell did this cat get in my house?  WHAT????

I ran back to the bedroom and shook Karl awake.  I hissed, “Karl!  Get UP!  There’s a strange cat in our house!!!!”  Karl sat straight up and shook his head several times, eyes squeezed shut.  I could just see him thinking, “Woman, is this like the time you woke me up saying there were spiders on your pillow?  Or the time I woke up with you crouched at the foot of the bed because spiders were crawling from the ceiling?”  (I hate spiders.)

I must have looked completely terrified, or maybe he was just wide awake too and decided to appease me, because he jumped up and ran into the living room.  Sure enough, there was a strange cat, scared shitless, scrambling up the window screen like some demonic creature.  Karl yelled, “Get me some pants!  Shorts!  Anything!”  I threw him my Cootie™ pajama pants and he threw them down in disgust.  As if the cat would get more pissed off if Karl wore silly looking pants.

He grabbed his cargo shorts (why didn’t you just do that in the first place…) and was pulling them on as he tried to chase the cat away from the window.  The cat bolted for the front door and I stopped it from going upstairs.  Karl removed the window screen and corralled the cat back to that corner of the living room.  The demon cat managed to knock over a large floor fan, climb on top of the flat screen TV–nearly knocking it over– before he jumped on top of a high shelf and found his way of the window.

Karl and I looked at each other in disbelief.  A mound of Fat Kobi fur was piled up behind the downed floor fan.  Pie, the cat matron of the house, looked around disapprovingly from her perch on the couch.  She was thinking, “You idiots.  There’s been a strange cat in this house for an entire week and you morons had no clue.”

And she would be right.  Apparently, the cat must have sneaked in when Karl and a friend had the front door propped open last Saturday — one whole week ago.  They were installing a new kitchen floor and needed to move in and out constantly.  Our three cats were locked away in our bedroom to keep them from running out; we never thought about cats running in.  The amazing thing is, our two dogs never ONCE barked during the nights I was up, dealing with cat noises.  There were no pet accidents on the carpet, no disappearing food tricks, not ONE CLUE that we had a fourth cat living in the house.

No wonder Fat Kobi was becoming so aggressive over the past week.  He must have been getting his ass whooped every night by the demon cat.  What a bizarre thing.

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