TV Therapy

After nearly two decades of watching reality television across all taste levels (“Joe Millionaire”, anyone?), a breakthrough has been achieved in my real life.  It took a designer named Mondo from 2010’s Summer/Fall season of “Project Runway” to provide the impetus for some serious self-reflection.  With his declaration of HIV-positive status, a detail he withheld from his world for 11 years, he struck me over the head with a proverbial frying pan: A person cannot live a full life with untold truths weighing them down.

The weight of the baggage depends on the carrier.  We are all our own planets with our own specific gravities.  The gravity of my baggage has been with me for as long as my first adult teeth.  Or, as Dexter Morgan would say, I have my own “Dark Passenger.” I’m sure you do as well.

And this leads me to my first step: admission.  Admission of deeply-rooted, broadly-impacting flaws.  I have problems.  And though I know the wellspring-source is not my creation, I try to take full responsibility for any aftermath inflicted in my attempts to cover up or reign in my past.  I have been stunted emotionally and professionally by my baggage.  But I also have an amazing story to tell if people are willing to hear it.  Who knows?  My reality may one day push others to re-examine their own lives.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have isolated and ignored my own feelings out of a diviner’s pull elsewhere.  Is it Empathy?  Shame?  Rejection?  Whatever drives me, it is a distraction: “If I’m helping you I cannot possibly have time to think on myself.”  And now “all work and no play make me go something something.”  And it’s beginning to be a lot of work to pretend that “every little thing, gonna be alright.”

So, step one: admission.  Step two: disclosure.  You may just have to buy the book for that one.  Truth is work, work is time, time is money.  Your therapist knows all about that.

I only wish to find acceptance and peace within myself before I face the second half of this life.  To the casual observer, I may have used a lot of words to say a lot of nothing.  But to me, it means everything.

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