I just don’t understand. . .

I was driving home from derby practice tonight and this song popped up on the random shuffle (before I go any further, yes, I admit it – I do currently have this song on my iPod):

Back in junior high we acted like fools singing this song on bus trips.  We would yell out every lyric and probably drove our bus driver to make a date with binge drinking after he dropped us off for the night.

Anyway, I actually listened to the lyrics for the first time in literally decades and it made me want to slap some Fresh Prince upside the head.  Let me break it down.

  • She said, “What’s wrong? This shirt cost $20” / I said, “Mom, this shirt is plaid with a butterfly collar!”

Really?  Your mom paid $20 for a shirt in 1988 and it still had a butterfly collar?  Doubtful, you ungrateful bastard.

  • And then she lost her mind and did the ultimate / I asked her for Adidas and she bought me Zips!

Again, ungrateful bastard.  Zips are efficient!  Goodbye laces, hello Velcro shoes of the 1980’s future.

  • I said, “This isn’t Sha Na Na, come on Mom, I’m not Bowzer / Mom, please put back the bell-bottom Brady Bunch trousers

I just now found out what the first half of the lyric really was.  Nice topical reference for 1988, FP.  You just HAD to rhyme with “trousers”…pants not good enough for you?

  • My parents went away on a week’s vacation and / They left the keys to the brand new Porsche

The parents have enough cool to own a brand new Porsche but they still think bell-bottoms and butterfly collars are in?  I’m not buying it for a second, Big Willy.

  • I said, “C’mon toots – my name is the Prince / Besides, would a lunatic have a Porsche like this?” / She agreed and we were on our way

Okay.  Here’s a little foreshadowing.  Any woman who responds to “toots” and hops in the car with you (after thinking you’re a deranged lunatic just seconds before) AND thinks Big Macs and fries are sexy is either 1) a hungry hooker or 2) …

  • Come to find out the girl was a twelve-year-old runaway

Sketchy.  Considering the Fresh Prince was around 20 years old when this single was on the radio.  Sketchy, indeed.  Dude, you couldn’t have made her 15?  That’s legal in some states, right?

  • They took turns / One would beat me while the other one was driving / I can’t believe it, I just made a mistake / Well parents are the same no matter time nor place

Cops, apparently, are not.  Grand theft auto and soliciting a minor?  Ehhhhhh… We’ll just let your parents beat the crap out of you on the drive home.

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